Thursday, August 30, 2012

I enjoy mowing the yard. It's my free time. I put on the 2 Chainz album and jam alone in my own little world.

BUT, there's one thing I don't like.

The feeling that I get when people drive by the house and stare at me. Some folks are nice, and they wave.

Others stare at me like... "That's right boy. You should be workin in the yard".

Or "Damn, I need me one of those. Didn't know they were still on the market."

Or "F*** Abe Lincoln."

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Where's Black Waldo?

Dear Drivers.

If you are going to pick your nose in the car, remember the following:

1. Make sure your windows are tinted
2. Make sure your windows are up.
3. Make sure I'm not staring directly at you.



Sunday, August 26, 2012

Updated Bucket List

- Party hard with Prince Harry
- Have just a few beers and listen to Joe Biden ramble about life.
- Hang out with Wiz Khalifa and... Yeah.
- Learn to play the drums.
- Compete in one pro wrestling match.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I'm letting you in on a little secret...

Everybody knows about the saying "That's what she said" right?

Well, because of work and the department I'm in, I'm unable to yell this fabulous phrase out loud.

So I got the next best thing...

A desk bell.

Now, every time I hear somebody say something funny, I ring my bell. I've even downloaded one on my phone.Hell, Kevin taught his puppy, Zoey, how to ring it.

If all else fails, I just yell DING!!

It's become a big part my life, so you 16 people (yes 16) that read my blog can now make it a big part of yours. Get you a bell and ding it all night long.

You're welcome. :)

Can't help it, but this song makes me wanna fight.

Yep, that sucks real bad.

Best Ding of my life.

I was driving the golf cart with me and Chris today when I had one of the best dings of my life.

Wait... That came out wrong.

I made a sharp turn and BAM! A giant bug flew in my mouth. I slammed on the breaks and spit and screamed.

Chris said "Dude".

I replied with "A big ass bug just flew in my mouf!! Hhfieishsbckakdfsjdk! (<----- thats me freaking out) gross."

Then I screwed up and said "I can't believe that happened. It was coming so fast and I felt all of it in my mouth."

(Insert Ding)


After a great, fun day of golf, I am sitting here wondering if I got the West Nile.

I hope not.

I feel itchy.

Let the worrying begin.

Shout out to my big cuz, doin big things!

Be on the look out for Seezund Clothing coming this fall!

I'm hopin I get the hook up on a few things... You know, a family discount.

If not, I'll still get me a few shirts.

Yeah buddy!!!!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Hey Rick! How'd you spend your Friday off?

I spent the morning with a woman AND man's fingers in my mouth.

Happy Friday.

I'm about to lose two pieces of wisdom.

And I'm in a surprisingly good mood today. Pretty weird. I've been dancin and singin. If there's anything that I've ever learned from my 17th favorite rapper over 250lbs, Bone Crusher, is that I aint eva scurred... WHAT!

About to walk into the dentist now. Wish me luck. Or unluck. Whatever you want. It's your life and your opinion.

Just know though, that if I die due to some sort of freak accident and it's because you wished ill will on me, I will haunt your life.

Follow me on the Twitter.



Took this pic last night at Bird's.

Well, it's a pic of a pic. But it's freakin Kerry Von Erich. Google him.

I think I'm gonna make a new Twitter handle.

It'll be called S*** Ricky's parents say.

Mom- Y'all gettin Shaloskees for dinner?

Dad - Rick, how you say that?
Me- Looks like Roku
Dad- Oh. RiKoo? RuKu? RoKukluxKlan.

Mom - How do we get to watch the NetFlex on tv?

Dad - It's a Taken 2 comin out?!?!? Does it still have Neil Leeson in it? What his name? Lane Nelson?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I'm starting my bucket list.

I want to party with Prince Harry. Seems like it would be a fun night. Somebody would get a regrettable tattoo; pictures would be taken with wild animals; the Queens panty drawer would get raided.

It would be pretty dang legit.

I need to add more to this list ASAP.

Stun Gun = Trouble in my hands

Bless her tiny little heart.

Tonight, my sweet mother felt like making us steaks for dinner.

There's only one problem with this choice... Ok maybe two... 1. She's never cooked steaks before and 2. She normally does not eat steak.

Now she's never been a master of the kitchen for the 25 years that I've known her. 84% of my life consisted of Bagel Bites, hot pockets and corn dogs. 10% was me having dinner at friends houses and the last 6% was, indeed, my moms cooking (meatloaf, spaghetti and chicken tetrazzini).

The steaks were... It was... It tasted... She gave a very valiant effort. Really. It wasn't bad bad. I give her a C+. And that's mostly because she took a barrage of comments from me and my dad...

Me-Well, the salad was good.
Dad-No, the salad dressing was good, because it helped me get the steak down.
Dad-If we were in a eating contest, we'd get dead last cuz we would still be chewing.
Dad-Tastes like rocks.
Dad-I bet this cow is sayin "If I woulda known she was gonna cook me like this, I never would have got in the line at the slaughter house.
Me-Why save it for tomorrow, it already tastes like leftovers.
Me-I blame me not eating it on my wisdom teeth that will be pulled on Friday.
Mom - You know how many starving African kids would be happy to have that dinner?
Dad - They would be mad at you right now.
Mom - At least they would be grateful.
Me - I'm grateful for bagel bites.

Well, the storms were out in Saginaw today. Power went out while I was halfway into a documentary about Stone Cold Steve Austin. (*Sidenote*- Did you know that Steve Austin Also wrestled as Stunning Steve Austin - half of the tag team "The Hollywood Blondes" and ALSO as The Ringmaster?)

Anyways, it got pretty heavy here in these parts. Broken trees, lawn furniture flying, crazy wind, hail... All I was missing was a giant cow flying across the yard. BUT, there was no naders.

Damn, I wanted to see a nader. (*Sidenote #2*- Why is it, that when people tell you to stay away from windows during storms, people immediately go to the windows during storms?)

Looks like its all over now though. Kinda glad too... Can't do fun activities outside when it's raining. I'd have to resort to books and even though reading is fundamental, it lacks fun.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

That JUST happened.

People always say "Racism still exists".

I'm like, nah it don't.

Well it does.

Here's a conversation that I literally just had about 20 minutes ago.

Me - What's up peeps. (Insert me saying something witty to Alex, then I look over at Jessica.) What up purp?
^^^I said that because she is wearing purple today.
Alex - Oh, I get it... purple... I thought you meant like, a perpetrator.
Me- Nah, I was talking about the color.
Alex - So... what's up "Ger".
(Insert long pause)
Me - WHOA BRO...
Alex - (Insert a shocked/ashamed face) I was trying to abbreviate Green, I didn't mean it like that.
Me - Maybe you should have gone with "Gree" or maybe "Een".

As bad as it was, it made me LOL.

And I know he didn't mean to call me a Ger.

And I know he's not a racist.

He's probably sorry.

Or is he...

Friday, August 3, 2012

My apologies.

So, I've been doing a bad job at keeping up with this thing. My strong fan base of 14 people keep asking me  "Rick, what in the hell is going on? Our lives are incomplete without your silly, made up rubbish that you post on the internets".

I tell them "Man up you peasants. I'll be back soon enough".

Now I'm back and the same as ever (usually, a normal person would say "better than ever", but I choose to live my blogger life in a state of mediocrity).

In conclusion, I'm sorry. So go read. Thanks.

I noticed this the other day.

There is nothing more terrifying than sitting in a golf cart and hearing someone from afar yell "FORE".

I can't even explain it. A golf ball coming that fast at you could severely hurt you, maybe even kill you. I've seen it happen...

I mean, not in real life though.

And it was a baseball.

Hit a lady right in the temple.

Ok, it was from the movie "Simon Birch", but she died and that's scary. 


2012 Olympics

As of 1:00pm today, I will most likely be avoiding any social media and most of the internets because I do NOT and I repeat, DO NOT want anybody to ruin track & field for me.

Anyways, here are my thoughts on the Olympics so far and thoughts for upcoming events.

- Ryan Lochte is a chump
- I feel bad for the Russian gymnast who got silver in the all-around competition last night. She's probably dead now.
- Love how people are calling Kerri Walsh and Misty May "The Golden Girls" of beach volleyball. Is that an old joke?
- Lolo Jones will run, and look spectacular doing it.
- Handball and Water Polo is intense
- I wish they had different events for Trampoline. Maybe "Crack the Egg" or the best double bounce.
- USA has some of the best track stars ever. And we are about to do some work on these countries.
- Bolt will beat everyone, backwards and on one foot.
- Gabby Douglas is legit.
- NBC ruins everything. 
- This year's USA Men's hoops team does not even come close to being the Dream Team. 
And finally, Men's gymnastics needs to add music to their floor routines. #Fact



Finally turned 25 last week. 

Spent the morning playing golf and spent the night having a few (127) beers with great friends.*Sidenote* Apparently my so-called friends think i'm an alcoholic, because I received a bottle of Crown Royal, 1 bottle of Crown Royal Reserve, 1 bottle of Jameson and a bottle of Strawberry Moonshine.

Did anybody know that stores sell Moonshine?

So there I was, sitting on a lawn chair in Chris's garage, watching people play beer pong and in walks little Miss Lindsay with a shot glass. 

I ain't no chump, so I was like "Oh let's do it". Didn't stop to think about the horrible mistake I was making and just threw it down. Little did I know, my insides wanted to revolt against my ignorant brain and let out that devil juice to teach me a lesson.

For the next 15-20 minutes, I was in that stage where my mouth kept watering and I was trying to hold back the urge to puke my brains out. 2nd worst feeling ever (1st is food poisoning).

After that though, I was good. Still had that ugly face like I had just taken the shot for another hour, but it was all good.

Birthday = Success. 

I can dig some System of a Down.

I wasn't pictured in the newsletter...

So somebody drew me in... With a black pen. Holla!