Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Convos with Father

My parents came over just a while ago, and Mr. Ricky L. Wright Sr. had a lot of things to say...

Tiger Woods 
Me: Tiger Woods was at Del Frisco's last week.
Pop: He had a reservation for 5. It was Tiger and Fo Hoes.

Pop: Imma confuse all the teachers when yalls kids are in school. Imma go to the office and say "I need to pick up my grandson" and tell them that he's black. Then they will be lookin for a black boy but he will be white.

Pop: Where's Lindsay at?
Me: Tanning.
Pop: Tanning? What she wanna be black? Why dont she fold her lil ass up and get in the oven. 200 should do it.

Ruth's Chris
Pop: We can go to Ruth's Chris next week. We gonna get one steak and cut it four ways.

Me: This cruise ship has 4 pools and 10 whirlpools.
Pop: You dont wanna get in the water on a cruise ship.
Me: Why?
Pop: (Looks at Lindsay) Cuz of yo people. They put the sunscreen on then get in the water. You supposed to put it on after you get out. When they get out the pool the water looks like vomick. (Vomick = Vomit)

Me: Didnt you bring a jacket with you?
Pop: Awww shucky ducky I left it.

En Vogue- Don't Let Go

Super Bowl Sunday scare

Confessions of a Serial Tree Killer, Pt. 2 - Bait

The past few weeks have been rather... slow.

Not too many jobs to do, so for the most part I did a lot of staring.

Staring at these completely full cases of paper wondering why. Why can't I end your life.

Then, I recieved a message from an angel...

It was more like an E-mail from a person, but that's what it felt like.

They said "Ricky, I have something for you to print."

I jumped for joy. I was feeling the same way Jame Gumb felt when he would trap his prey, torture them, and then wear their skin.

Except what I do is sit the paper right in front of the copy machine. Make it watch me as I put their paper brothers and sisters into my tool of death. Then once a fresh copy comes out, sit it next to the untouched paper and yell "Smell the toner! This is gonna be you in a few minutes!!!!"

 Cruel huh?

I have people ask me all the time, "Why do you do what you do? What about the environment? You're killing the earth!"

I tell them one simple answer.

I'm a mad, mad man.

Chyna = Khloe Kardashian

They are the same person!!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Time for Daddy to downgrade.

The WORST movie I've ever seen.

It all started on a Friday night.

This past Friday night to be exact.

We were at Blockbuster trying to find a couple good movies to watch. Our first choice was "The Descent". It's about 6 crazy girls that go into caves because they are crazy, and then things start going terribly wrong.

Very scary movie.

The second movie we watched... Wasn't so great. I completely blame Laura Craig for this decision. She kept saying "But it's the number one movie in Sweden".

I dont think she realized that we live in America. I was against the vote for this movie and I wanted to watch The Descent 2, but noooooooo. We had to watch this HORRIBLE monstrosity of a movie.

I cant even begin to explain to you how bad this thing was. It was soooooo slow, and long and drawn out.

Ill break the complete movie down for you. (Well not the complete movie, because I gave up on the last 30 minutes of it.)

  • Reporter gets sentenced to jail for slander. (I think)
  • Rich man hires him to find out which member of his family murdered his niece
  • Crazy girl hacks into reporters computer
  • Crazy girl is on probation, and her probation officer forces her to do things she wasnt willing to do
  • Crazy girl gets revenge on probation officer.
  • Reporter finds out that crazy girl is hacking his computer and confronts her.
  • They then join forces to investigate the job he was hired to do
  • They become lovers
  • They go back to trying to find out what happened to the girl.
Add all this together, into a 3 hour movie, with a bunch of other crap that makes your eyelids heavy, and you get...

If you ever rent a movie and you havent heard about it before, make sure you read everything on the covers (Front and back and ALL small print). Especially the part that says "This movie is rated R for explicit language and violent uncomfortable rape scenes etc." (Didnt exactly say all of that, but that was close.)

The Super Bowl

First off, I wanna send a big shout out to all the people who are no longer Steelers fans. I know there is a lot of you out there.

Second, let me say, to you actual Steelers fans, it doesnt matter that you made it to the Super Bowl. There can be only one winner, and it wasnt you. You are in the same boat as the Cowboys, and the Jets: Losers.

Third: The game was actually a very good one. This is what us true football fans like to see. A great football game. And this is what the Super Bowl is really about. It's not about what celebrities will show up, or what A-Rod and Cameron Diaz are doing. Even though Fergie sucked, Usher sucked, Will.I.Am has a plastic head and Christina Aguilera's drunk chunky butt messed up the National anthem; the Super Bowl is about FOOTBALL. We need to stop ruining this great sport. Leave all that other mess for the Oscars and E! network.

Overall, this football season has been pretty awesome, despite the fact that I didnt fancy either team in the big game. But the Steelers didnt win another championship so that is alright with me. I got to see ESPN live in Sundance Square, and saw people that I would normally only see on tv. In the end, this football season was a success.

I cant wait til September...

Aunt Pebbles.

Aunt Pebbles: Girl, the next door neighbors had a party last night. Somebody must have been fighting because the police came.

Aunt D'Juana: That's crazy. Did anybody get in trouble?

Aunt Pebbles: One person got arrested.

Aunt D'Juana: For fighting?

Aunt Pebbles: He had some kinda drugs on him. Something in a white bag. I dont know if it was cocaine or crack or AC/DC

Aunt D'Juana: Oh my goodness. You mean pcp?

Aunt Pebbles: Please Please Please dont tell Little Ricky. He will put me on his blog.

This is how the National Anthem should be performed from now on.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I dont know why family talks to me still.

They should know that if they say ANYTHING funny, I will write about them on here.

Me: We just left downtown. Me and Lin went to the Omni and saw some players, and Hines Ward walked right by me!

Ma: That's so cool. Did you get to see Troy PollyMolly???

Me: ...I'll talk to you later.

2 Days

The Super Bowl is almost here, and this guy is excited, but sad at the same time.

Excited because I love the sport of football. it's the best sport next to Freestyle Motocross, and curling.

Sad, because football will be over until September...

I still can't decide who I want to win? I know it will be a good game though. The steel sissy curtain has to find a way to stop Aaron Rodgers. The guy is a beast. And the Steelers have to come out swingin, and put points on the board. Or else...

Ok I just made up my mind. I would rather have the Packers to win. The Steelers will have too many Super Bowl... I mean, Big Game wins (Dont wanna get sued by the NFL) and the Cowboys need to catch up. So take that Steeler fans.

Lil Wayne: "Green N Yellow"


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I saw it with my own eyes.

The groupies are on the prowl.

We were standing next to a couple of girls yesterday, and they were allllllllll about the camera man and the assistant.

The camera guy? For real?

At least go for Jim Rome or Trey Wingo.

"What hotel are you guys staying at? We live downtown! You should come to Fox and Hound. They have cheap drinks on Tuesday. So how long have you been doing this? Did you go to school for this? I'm so cold, wanna warm me up?"

Get the picture?

Child support statistics will rise in the next month.


People Invent the weirdest sh....Stuff.

I have been seeing this infomercial on television a lot lately...

The product is called, ZQuiet.

It's a giant mouthpiece that you wear at night to help you stop snoring.

This thing is ridiculous. There is NO way you could get me to wear this thing. I barely wore my retainer when I had it.

I barely wear clothes.

I cant wait to think of my crazy invention that will make me filthy rich, even though it is completely and utterly stupid. Like a bracelet that gives you energy and makes you extra balanced. Or a belt that shocks you and makes you have great abs.

Sundance Square

We got a chance to visit Sundance Square yesterday to check out the ESPN chaos. It was pretty neat!

I was actually really, really excited to see everything down there. I felt like Charlie Bucket when he was getting ready to walk into Wonka's Chocolate factory.

Then that wind hit my face. And I lost the feeling in my hands.
But other than that, it was AWESOME! I highly suggest that you people go check it out. It's a once in a lifetime thing ya know? You can't pass something like this up.

AND, you get to be on TV. Who doesnt wanna do that???

This is Matt Forte.

Matt Forte is the starting running back for the Chicago Bears.

Forte, (For-Tay, as Joe Buck would say) is a pretty good football player.

Yesterday, when I was in Sundance Square seeing the ESPN set, Matt Forte walked right by me, and I snapped this picture, WHILE his publicist was yelling "He has no time for autographs or pictures. He has a meeting to go to."

The question is, what meeting does this guy have to be in during Super Bowl week? His garbage team isnt playing, because his lady of a quarterback had a boo boo on his knee. These big name guys should know people are gonna want autographs. Plus, the temperature was 10, and there were only about 15 people out there. He couldve given us a little time.

Go back to Chicago, Matt Forte and take your stupid dumb weather with you.